Wednesday, January 4, 2017

White Picket Fence

January 4, 2017

Am I doing it right?

I think I ask myself this question like 3,000 times a week. Since becoming a mother, this number has tripled. I mean having a toddler who is just starting to be able to verbalize what it is that he wants… and sometimes having a melt down because frankly, he cant live off of apple sauce and fruit snacks (at least I think he cant...) is not really helping the matter.

I remember a conversation I had with someone very important in my life about 16 years ago… He said to me “Sarah, you have your life all planned out. You can see your white picket fence…” He was right. At that time… at a mere 20 years old… I thought I could see it. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and thought I knew exactly how I was going to get there. The point (I think) he was trying to make to me was that I needed to just let things happen. That there are going to be many obstacles, failures, changes both good and bad, that may derail that “vision.” I struggled with letting that vision go. But, I did. I had to. Life unfolded differently, even in that very moment, then I thought it would have. Did I fail? Did I not “do it right” and cause this derailment… or did life just take over?

There is no answer to that. The important thing is that I did what I needed to do to overcome what I felt I didnt do right. I worked to create a new vision and while that vision has changed again and again as things in my life change, that is ok. I am a work in progress.

I still struggle every day with if I am doing things "right." Have I put in enough effort with my husband, did I make good decisions with money, did I really push to my limit at the gym, have I worked to my fullest potential at the office, will I be able to teach my kid to sleep past 5:00am, have I made the right choice in daycare, with what to give him to eat and when, when should we let him sleep in a big boy bed, have I done something to let someone down? I dont know... 

All I can do is give it my best effort, keep that “white picket fence” in my sights and be confident in my decisions. Someday I will have it...

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