Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Live It

March 16, 2016

Wake up.

No really. Wake up.

Life is short.

Live it.

Live every single day like it might be your last. Understand that you control what makes you happy. You control how you look at things in your life. You control how you want to face every single day and every single situation. Why spend life mad, frustrated, envious or disappointed? In just a moments time, your life can change forever. We have no control over that. If your life ended today, would you be happy? If someone was taken from your life today, could you say you had your best times with them? Did you leave things unsaid to anyone?  Are you proud of yourself? Do you do the things and act in a way that makes your life awesome? You should!

Facebook has been reminding me of past moments. You know, it gives you the option to see your memories and things you posted in the past. With the more recent memories, my heart flutters with all things “Mama” when I see last year’s posts of Z at just a few weeks old. Go back beyond that and I see links to previous blog posts, which are also pretty awesome reminding me of the struggle to get to a better place. Then… I get back to the dark time. The time when everything was the suck. When my posts were negative and sad. When I was pretty much wishing each day away because I hated my job, was unhappy with my home, not in the greatest place with the Hubs and broke. Apparently, I thought everyone needed to know that I was miserable and thought maybe if I shared it in my status on facebook it would make me feel better. It didn’t. There was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better and I think maybe I just wanted people to commiserate with me. Eww.

I was envious of my friends that were in a “better” place than me. Everyone seemed so happy while I was dragging myself through a “groundhog day” lifestyle. I looked at the friends that were done with school, that had nice homes and were seeming living their lives how I wanted to be living mine. What I didn’t realize was, I had the power to make my life exactly how I wanted it to be. If I just turned each situation into a positive… that I was in school, I had a home, a job and a husband… and I was just lucky to be able to be where I was… it would have been a whole different situation.

Thankfully, I was able to turn that around. Over the years after I graduated and found a great job and CrossFit, my life began to change. I took control. I did those things. I made my life better. I got out of a bad job situation. I changed my whole lifestyle and joined the gym, made some amazing friends and took control of my health. Hubs and I took a good look at our marriage and were able to learn to communicate better, laugh more and not be so stressed out in our relationship. We are in love and are so blessed to have each other.
There have been days where the “ugly” pops up again. Times when I start to feel that little green envy monster sitting on my shoulder whispering “why cant I have that.” Frankly, it pisses me off. I don’t know why we are programmed in our lives  to want what don’t have. I have to remind myself that I am in control. There is no reason I cant have what that person has (within reason of course).  I just have to make the changes in my life that are necessary to do so. 
However, more importantly, I can not live my life for tomorrow. I have a pretty great life at this moment. Why focus on the negative?
Over the last few months I have experienced quite a bit of loss, from a tragic and sudden loss for a co-worker, to a long battle and loss for another co-worker, to the loss of a strong amazing big hearted Great Uncle of mine… each one while a completely different situation from each other, causes me to take a step back and be thankful for my life. Why does it take death to make that happen. It shouldn’t. I have experienced enough loss that I should be living that way every single day… life is all about perspective. We are owed nothing. Be happy, make changes, hug, kiss, laugh… life can change tomorrow.
Wake up.

No really. Wake up.

Life is short.

Live it.

Friday, March 4, 2016

They Remember What You Are

March 4, 2016

Well, here we are. Opens season 2016.

I am a week behind, as the first Open workout was released last Thursday and the second last night. I have to be honest and say that I actually, somewhere inside me, wasn’t sure if I wanted to compete in the Open this year. I didn’t sign up until the Monday before the first WOD was released. I would be lying if I said my ego had nothing to do with it. It certainly did. I know I am not where I was two years ago, the last time I competed in the Open. I had my best year that year. I felt amazing and had really honed in on most of the skills I needed to actually compete at a higher level at Regionals. Now, a year after having Z, I feel like I am struggling with things that use to come easy to me… in addition to the things that I have struggled with in the past. I was afraid. I didn’t want to put myself out there and look like a fool. I didn’t want to fail and I didn’t want to disappoint those in the gym that are constantly cheering me on. They expect something of me, or at least I feel like I am expected to perform a certain way.

I thought about it a lot. Then I got upset with myself that I had to think about it.  Why on earth did I have to think about it? I love the Open and CrossFit. I love to compete. I love to challenge myself. I want to be the best that I can be and push myself… how could I possibly do that if I bowed out because I was “afraid” that I was going to not do as well as I wanted to do. That is crazy talk. I have, in the 5 years  I have been doing CrossFit, talked to numerous people about not only doing the Open, but just being confident enough to believe in yourself to get through any workout, never mind walking into a CF Gym for a new beginning. You cannot get to B without passing through A. I cannot get to where I want to be without hitting all the same goals the second time that I did the first. In reality, I have already “won” just by signing up. My body has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. My mind has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. What can never change is how much I believe in myself. I know I can be and do whatever I put my mind to.

I have a new roll in life. I am a Mama. My “Little Monster” is a year old (can you believe it). Every day his mind is molding into the man he is going to become. Every time Hubs or I make a decision, every time we accomplish something, satisfy a goal, smile or laugh… he is watching and learning. However, those same eyes and ears are observing our hesitations, arguments and tears. It is so important to not only teach him to be a strong and confident man, but to show him that we are both strong and confident people. That even though there are struggles and tough times… and sometimes we have to take a step back and think things through… as long as we put our best foot forward and be the best we can be. We will not fail.  What kind of Mama would I be if I let my ego get in the way of doing something that I love?

We are two weeks in. I am pretty happy with my performance so far. I decided upon signing up that I was going to be “one and done” this year. Complete the workout at 5:30am on Friday morning and that’s that. While I am pushing as hard as I can to get the best score I can, I cannot put myself through the stresses of “do-overs” until I am satisfied, nor do I have the means to repeat even if I wanted to. I feel good about that. I am enjoying the competition this year. The Open feels FUN again. There is challenge, there is competition… but there is less pressure and stress for me. Not that training for Regionals in years past and really pushing and doing double sessions and what not wasn’t fun in years past, but I am at a different point in life right now. I have other commitments and priorities that come before getting back to the gym for a second session at night. My time is 5:30am. I love every minute of it… but I also love every minute of every night with my boy. I can have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful for that.

Three more workouts await for the 2016 Open. I am sure the “best” is yet to come. I am excited to see what the rest of the workouts are. I am excited to see what I can push myself to be capable of. I cant wait to be able to tell Z what I was doing when he was just a year old… and with any luck, I will still be doing it at that point!

I love being a roll model for my boy. I love watching him grow and explore!! Life is pretty awesome!!