Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Open is Upon Us

February 27, 2014

Take a deep breath, relax and wait... wait for 8:00pm EST.

Currently, close to 170,000 CrossFitters world wide area "patiently" awaiting the release of 14.1, the first of the 5 workouts in the 2014 CrossFit Open (in case you are new here I wrote THIS post in 2012, on the first day of my first Open, at the beginning it describes what the Open is). I have been thinking a lot about the Open this year. Where I am. How I feel. What is to come. This year feels... I dont know... different from last.

I guess that is to be expected. Another year has passed. I am a different person than I was 356 days ago. I do not know what the outcome is going to be. I do not know if I am going to perform better or worse than I did last year. I do not know what the first workout is going to be, or how many times I will attempt it. I do not know if at the end of all this there will be a seat at the Northeast Regional for either Me or CrossFit Wachusett... or both.

But, enough about what I dont know... here is what I know...

I KNOW that I have put in the work, training harder, longer and with more volume than last year.
I KNOW that I have worked on my goats and have become more confident with those skills.
I KNOW that I have pushed myself to places I didn't think possible and will continue to do so every day.
I KNOW that I have changed my diet and lifestyle significantly to improve my training and build strength and endurance.
I KNOW that I have a team behind me to support me and CFW in achieving what we are meant to achieve.
I KNOW that I will be inspired by all of the CFW athletes who are competing in the Open this year for the first, second, third time.
I KNOW that I will cheer loud and lose my voice encouraging my friends to push beyond their limits.
I KNOW that this is me against myself and although I am competing against some 85,000 women, it is the me of yesterday that I am essentially competing with.
I KNOW that I will cry.
I KNOW that I will smile.
I KNOW that it will hurt.
I KNOW that I will lay it all on the line.
I KNOW that I will do the best that I can possibly do.
I KNOW that I will have fun.

... most of all
I KNOW I CAN. 

Good luck to everyone competing in the 2014 CrossFit Open. Such an amazing time in the CrossFit community worldwide. We all come together and fill the air with the most amazing energy. There is no better feeling. Remember to have fun, work hard and keep a positive attitude! 


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Today

February 9, 2014

Time. It dosent stand still. With every passing second we get older, we move further in life. We change. We grow. We enter the future. Today, February 9, 2014... is the only February 9, 2014 we will ever have in our lifetime. That is a scary thought. What we do with today? Each and every "today" is so important, so precious and its gone, just like that. Suddenly its time to put our head to the pillow and end "today." If we wish it away, waste it, whats the point?

My biggest fear in life is failure. Failing others expectations of me, yes, but failing myself overtakes my thoughts more often than I want to admit, almost daily. I know when I do it or when I am on the road to doing it, which frustrates the hell out of me. Sometimes I reach a certain point and think, "I could have totally avoided this had I just done it in the first place." The "it" being whatever it is that I have failed myself in doing.

Over the last two years a lot has changed in me. In my mind, in my body and in my soul. I have really searched for the things that make me truly happy in life. I have begun to identify them and strive for them, its about damn time, I am 33 years old for god sakes. It was time to get to a point in life where I was truly happy on the inside, not just for show. I have given up some things that have proven themselves to be toxic in my pursuit of happiness, clutched on to others that make me feel fantastic on the inside and surround myself with the people who brighten my life. I am searching for and finding the things that were either missing completely or missing in plain sight.

I am pushing myself to my limits, however, I am afraid in some cases I may have pushed myself too far. Put pressure on things that dont deserve the pressure, or worse, dont need the pressure to just be what they are. When are things "good enough?" Or, is anything just "good enough?" Can it always be better? Am I creating more failure in my life by thinking that there is always something better to strive for? Should I just be happy with "today" or, when I put my head to the pillow should I hope that tomorrow's "today" is better?

The worst case is when I am forced to fail at one thing to allow myself to succeed with/in something else. When its impossible to have both. Inevitably, I am going to be disappointed. Not in whatever it is that I am "failing" at, but with myself. That I had to let something go. I am going to be pissed at myself because I missed something in life I really wanted to have, just because I was afraid of failing at something else... Where do you find that balance? When is is ok to give up on something you have always wanted? Which of the two do you give up on? When is it ok to fail when you have instilled in yourself that failure, in fact, is not an option?

Today is the only "today" that I have. If I spend too much time thinking about it, I am going to miss it. If I dont spend enough time thinking about it, I may put my head on my pillow wishing it was different, that I know it could have been different, that I had total control over how my day was going to go (to an extent of course) and I did nothing about it.  Its one of the reasons I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I dont like to hold back, I dont like to bite my tongue. I like to address anything that pops into my brain so I dont have to carry it day after day. I like to push towards my goals every single day knowing when I go to sleep at night I did everything I could to make today the best day it could be, to make today a success. To make tomorrow a success. If I dont do these things, I am failing.

Part of me wishes I was the type of person who could just live. Just be happy. Just be thankful for all that I have. Content. The rest of me, the most of me, knows I could never be happy, could never be successful  just being content.

Today is February 9, 2014. Its the only one Ive got.







Friday, February 7, 2014

Apparently I like to Surf...

February 7, 2014

Whoops, its been a while since I have written again. In being 100% honest, I have thought of things I have wanted to write about when they have happened, but I didnt get myself in front of the computer to get those thoughts down. I wrote a whole blog in my brain last Saturday on my way to the gym... I even spoke the words out loud to myself while I was driving. Hubs and I went to dinner Saturday night, I told him all about it, we discussed it at length. Than Sunday I met up with my mom, I talked it out with her. I felt like I had exhausted the subject and didnt get a chance to write it all down. Today, I write not about that, but about something that inspired me to write today. Maybe I will look back and write about the previous topic... but just know, my mind is constantly thinking of these things.

I have had a lot going on lately. There has been a lot going on at the gym, a lot going on at work and a lot going on at home. I was starting to feel like I was getting a little overwhelmed in my life. One of my biggest problems, I still cant seem to get a grip on, is that I internalize everything, take far to many things personally. With my passion comes worry, sometimes fear, maybe some pressure and a lot of anxiety. I internalize and overthink pretty much... everything.

When I have a lot on my mind I have problems sleeping. This happens a lot. Actually, I am glad that I have this silly trait. Why, you ask? If I had no problem sleeping when I had things on my mind, I wouldnt be forced to get those things out in the air, on paper or wherever they need to be. The would sit in my mind and fester. I am not saying that my "problems" are all solved every day before I go to sleep... but if there is something that needs to get out, it is at least talked about, vented about or written about somewhere. This assures me that the "problem" is in the process of being worked out. Nothing will ever be "solved" if it is kept on the inside.

I understand its a process. I know things dont happen or change overnight. However, I am a fighter, who will forge straight into battle with absolutely no plan what-so-ever, just to get to the bottom of it before it turns into a world war. Sometimes that comes back to bite me in the ass, but most of the time... its a step in the right direction.

I am fighting a lot of little battles at the moment. I am wound up pretty tight. I have to really put in the time into those that are worth fighting and more importantly, I have to forget those that aren't worth fighting for. I have to understand that sometimes, you just have to let go. Not everything is a battle.

In the words of my Husband circa 2004... Sarah, you need to just RELAX."