February 9, 2014
Time. It dosent stand still. With every passing second we get older, we move further in life. We change. We grow. We enter the future. Today, February 9, 2014... is the only February 9, 2014 we will ever have in our lifetime. That is a scary thought. What we do with today? Each and every "today" is so important, so precious and its gone, just like that. Suddenly its time to put our head to the pillow and end "today." If we wish it away, waste it, whats the point?
My biggest fear in life is failure. Failing others expectations of me, yes, but failing myself overtakes my thoughts more often than I want to admit, almost daily. I know when I do it or when I am on the road to doing it, which frustrates the hell out of me. Sometimes I reach a certain point and think, "I could have totally avoided this had I just done it in the first place." The "it" being whatever it is that I have failed myself in doing.
Over the last two years a lot has changed in me. In my mind, in my body and in my soul. I have really searched for the things that make me truly happy in life. I have begun to identify them and strive for them, its about damn time, I am 33 years old for god sakes. It was time to get to a point in life where I was truly happy on the inside, not just for show. I have given up some things that have proven themselves to be toxic in my pursuit of happiness, clutched on to others that make me feel fantastic on the inside and surround myself with the people who brighten my life. I am searching for and finding the things that were either missing completely or missing in plain sight.
I am pushing myself to my limits, however, I am afraid in some cases I may have pushed myself too far. Put pressure on things that dont deserve the pressure, or worse, dont need the pressure to just be what they are. When are things "good enough?" Or, is anything just "good enough?" Can it always be better? Am I creating more failure in my life by thinking that there is always something better to strive for? Should I just be happy with "today" or, when I put my head to the pillow should I hope that tomorrow's "today" is better?
The worst case is when I am forced to fail at one thing to allow myself to succeed with/in something else. When its impossible to have both. Inevitably, I am going to be disappointed. Not in whatever it is that I am "failing" at, but with myself. That I had to let something go. I am going to be pissed at myself because I missed something in life I really wanted to have, just because I was afraid of failing at something else... Where do you find that balance? When is is ok to give up on something you have always wanted? Which of the two do you give up on? When is it ok to fail when you have instilled in yourself that failure, in fact, is not an option?
Today is the only "today" that I have. If I spend too much time thinking about it, I am going to miss it. If I dont spend enough time thinking about it, I may put my head on my pillow wishing it was different, that I know it could have been different, that I had total control over how my day was going to go (to an extent of course) and I did nothing about it. Its one of the reasons I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I dont like to hold back, I dont like to bite my tongue. I like to address anything that pops into my brain so I dont have to carry it day after day. I like to push towards my goals every single day knowing when I go to sleep at night I did everything I could to make today the best day it could be, to make today a success. To make tomorrow a success. If I dont do these things, I am failing.
Part of me wishes I was the type of person who could just live. Just be happy. Just be thankful for all that I have. Content. The rest of me, the most of me, knows I could never be happy, could never be successful just being content.
Today is February 9, 2014. Its the only one Ive got.