January 20, 2014
Ever feel like you are just standing still? That you have all these ideas and goals that you are fighting for in your mind, trying to push as hard as you can to get there, than suddenly you stop and look at whats going on and think... "I am going nowhere with this."
Life gets a little overwhelming when you set standards and goals for yourself that are ambitious. Its hard to separate the realistic expectations from the "dreams." Not that you cant reach your dreams, or shouldn't try, but you have to hit all the milestones in the middle in order to get there. It takes time and it takes patience, of which I have none. You also have to break down the goals, piece by piece and remember that things wont happen over night and of course, just wanting something isnt enough, you have to fight for it.
I think my biggest problem is that I am a "big picture" person. I want the result. I want to take the shortest and fastest way from A to B and when the road starts to get windy I tend to get discouraged and frustrated... the frustration builds and I feel like I just stand still. See how that whole patience thing would come in handy right about here. Frustration is a pisser... seriously. Frustration is probably one of the worst emotions for me to handle. I hate the feeling of being overwhelmed, like I cant put the pieces together to make anything work right.
Some days I wake up and I look in the mirror and I see that person I used to be. Weak. Tired. Unsure. Some days I feel like there is no up. That I am just going to be where I am and I just have to get used to that. That my life as it is, is not going to change. Even when I try to push, I am not good enough, fast enough, smart enough... not for anyone else, but for myself. Like I am letting myself down. Add all that up and multiply it by the "frustration factor" and its a recipe for disaster.
This has happened more times to me than I want to admit. This is why there are movements in crossfit that I struggle at constantly after over two years, this is why I have not completed my exams... that overwhelming feeling that I am failing or I am going to fail. I dont know how to focus my energy on the things I struggle with without getting frustrated without feeling like I am standing still... I wish there was more time in the day.
Now is the time to put on my big girl shoes, its Monday. The week can not start like this. I have to think about all the things I believe are inside of me and use my frustration in a positive way. I have to channel my energy, I have to move forward...even if its slow... forward progress is better than no progress.
I am not ok with life just being life, as long as I am not standing still I will get there.