Friday, April 12, 2013

What Makes You Strong?

April 12, 2013

I saw this today and it really struck a chord with me. Funny, before one of the open workouts I was at the gym on a Saturday. I was getting ready to do the workout and some how the words "oh god, I don't want to do this again" slipped out of my mouth. I try my hardest to be a positive person at the gym, but I would be lying and everyone who is human (crossfitter or not) would know I would be lying if I said that sometimes my mind didn't get ahead of my heart. There are times that you just feel defeated before you start and there are times that it seems as if you cant even get started because of that. Well, as soon as the words escaped me, one of my fellow crossfitters said "What was that? I don't want to hear that from you... your always the positive one, Mrs Motivation." My gut dropped. I had realized that what I had just said out loud didn't just affect me, but it may have affected the way she was feeling about approaching the workout again. I needed to change my attitude at that exact moment and remember what the reason was for participating in the Open. The bottom line, I love what I am doing... even if this wasn't going to be the "best" performance for me. If I walked up to the bar feeling like I was going to fail there was no way I would perform well.

I spent a lot of my previous years unhappy. In fact, I was pretty damn miserable. It affected everyone around me. I have no idea how Hubs didn't just tell me to "shut the eff up" every time I bitched at him for something random.... or how my friends didn't drop me like a hot potato when all I did was complain complain complain every time I talked to them. Don't even get me started on the hell I put my parents through with all the phone calls filled with tears and the stress and worry I put them though. The fact is that all those people care about me, they love me and they were "dealing" with me because of that. Thank god.

One day there was change. I took control. I decided that I didn't want to be an angry person. I really wanted to be fun again... really, I have a good sense of humor and I love to laugh and to make people laugh. Those times were so few and far between because I was so caught up in my own misery. Crappy job, felt like a fat ass (was a fat ass), not happy where I was living, broke, killing my self through school, spending more time in my car than anywhere else, not being able to see my friends all the time... you know all those same things that happen to just about everyone at some point in their lives.

I expelled so much energy being unhappy. It was exhausting.

All of a sudden I realized that all of those things that were making me miserable were either completely in my control or totally out of my control. So, why not use it. Turn the negative energy into positive energy. Use the anger I had towards those things I could control, that I was just letting fester inside me, to make me do something to change it. Start shedding a positive light on the things that I was fixing and changing and being happy and proud of myself for what I was doing...

It was like a whole new world had opened behind closed doors. Things started to fall into place from there. Those things that I felt like I couldn't control... some had totally dissipated and some I just started to look at from a whole new angle. I felt lighter and it wasnt just because CrossFit was one of the changes I made in my life.

I have started to look at life day to day. This is something I have never been really good at. I am faced with a new day every day (thank you captain obvious) and I can choose, as the message above states, to be miserable or I can choose to be strong. Strength not just in weights and physical strength... but strong in emotional strength. I can help people when they are down, shed the positive light on the subject if needed or give them that push that will make them realize something within themselves that they are having trouble seeing. I can make the choice to not be completely pissed and trash my whole day because I dropped my egg muffins on the kitchen floor at work (like I did this morning)... and just figure it out (be thankful I had an extra snack with me) and move on. I can choose to sit out from a workout because I am hurting and not let it get me down because I know I am going to be right back at it when I am ready...

Yes, all those negative thoughts come screaming back into my head in every single situation. Did I want to be super extremely pissed at the tin foil, eggs and toaster... yes. Do I want to be pissed at the workout I did almost three weeks ago now that effed me all up... yes. But, whats the point. Seriously... whats the point. What is getting all pissed off going to do. Nothing... except piss me off more. So much wasted energy.

This did not happen overnight... and I know I am not 100% super happy positive make everyone want to puke woman, nor do I want to be. I have self doubt all the time... I am scared I am not good enough at everything I do... and most of all, I am scared to death of failure. Every day the thought of failure crosses my mind. Every.Single.Day. That's what makes me get up every day.

Fear of failure is what gives me strength... figure that one out.

3 Rounds
- 20 Jumping Jacks
- 5 T2B
- 10 Around the World
- 10 HR Pushups

Front Squats
85 X 5
105 X 5
125 X 5
135 X 5

WOD:  Note Taker
- 500m Row
- 50 Pullups
(6:29 Rx)



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