Friday, June 8, 2012

What do you see?

June 5, 2012

As a toddler and small child I was certainly a “pot belly” kid. I stood with my gut out and have many many pictures to prove it! As time went on I became a lanky skinny 10 year old… and that carried me through my early teens. There wasn’t much that I couldn’t eat and never saw a change in my body. I constantly ate cookies and cake for breakfast and couldn’t get enough of any type of sour sugary candy.  Somewhere in my early teens I woke up in the morning and looked at my body and thought… where the hell did those hips come from? All of a sudden not only was I taller than most of my friends (and I am only 5’-8” I just hang out with a bunch of shorties… haha) but I was also much larger than most of them too. I was never considered the “cute little thing” and started feeling pretty out of place. That’s when I started to be self-conscious about my body. Though high school I was pretty thin still, I was happy with my legs, but the hips and ass were dominant for a teenager. I was lucky enough to find a boyfriend who wasn’t interested in the “cute” little thing and really helped me to embrace my more “adult” figure (that so often made me want to hide)… and made me feel like it was perfect just the way it was.

Is funny because when the talk about “weight” comes up most women hide. I never really had a problem with it (until I got close to rock bottom and was embarrassed) and its mostly because I looked like I weighed a lot less than I did. The first thing people would say when I would say how much I weighed was “yeah, but you are tall…” which really… just made me laugh. People automatically thought, no matter what weight I told them, that I was “upset” where I was. The Dr office was pretty humorous when I would get on the sale and the nurse would start the sliding weights at least 40lbs less than I actually weighed and then say “really” when I told her “ummmm, you are WAY off.” I never thought to much of it and as long as I liked the way I looked I didn’t really care what the scale said. Eventually, that mentality caught up to me. I started looking in the mirror thinking “is that really me on the other side.” I hated getting dressed, I hated going shopping… and just the thought of creeping closer and closer to my “rock bottom” freaked me out. I had done what I promised myself I would never let happen… I let myself go. I got comfortable and I stopped treating my body with respect.

I totally understanding that it is much easier said than done, but seeing as how I have been on both sides of the literal (and mental) scale… I have come to so many realizations about my body and other body types. First off… I have learned to trust my body. I have learned that I can in fact be the “size” that I want to be and with work, dedication and a little sacrifice I am on my way to that, I have CONTROL of that. I threw away the scale for the most part and have focused on what I see in the reflection and in my weights and times at CFW. I have learned to embrace my figure without someone having to constantly reassure me that it is in fact “perfect just the way it is” (however I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to hear that every now and again). Listening to someone tell me that curves are beautiful sunk into my head (took a little while, but better late than never)… and well, its ok to not be “cute.”  It helps that I can look in the mirror and see that my hard work is paying off and I can be proud of my accomplishments. It certainly did not come overnight… but with small changes here and there, things started to show on the outside. I am fighting a battle and I am winning! I know that I am by no means “perfect,” I realize that I still have work to do and there are still changes to come… I understand it takes time… but with every smile I see on my own face in the reflection in the mirror it makes me that much more proud of my accomplishments and pushes me to keep going. That is more important than anything else, being comfortable in your own skin. That it dosent matter what people think of you, its how you see yourself that charges the engines!

Strength comes in many different shapes and sizes… its on the inside and the outside… its physical and mental… but most of all, its about how you see yourself.

10-20-30-40 Double Unders
Between each set
- 5 Rung Dips
- 10 Inchworms
- 15 Squats
Group: 9 FUNdamentals

WOD: "Stained"
5 Rounds for Time
- Run 200m
- 20 GHD Situps
- 20 HR Pushups
(17:34 Rx)


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