Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Live It

March 16, 2016

Wake up.

No really. Wake up.

Life is short.

Live it.

Live every single day like it might be your last. Understand that you control what makes you happy. You control how you look at things in your life. You control how you want to face every single day and every single situation. Why spend life mad, frustrated, envious or disappointed? In just a moments time, your life can change forever. We have no control over that. If your life ended today, would you be happy? If someone was taken from your life today, could you say you had your best times with them? Did you leave things unsaid to anyone?  Are you proud of yourself? Do you do the things and act in a way that makes your life awesome? You should!

Facebook has been reminding me of past moments. You know, it gives you the option to see your memories and things you posted in the past. With the more recent memories, my heart flutters with all things “Mama” when I see last year’s posts of Z at just a few weeks old. Go back beyond that and I see links to previous blog posts, which are also pretty awesome reminding me of the struggle to get to a better place. Then… I get back to the dark time. The time when everything was the suck. When my posts were negative and sad. When I was pretty much wishing each day away because I hated my job, was unhappy with my home, not in the greatest place with the Hubs and broke. Apparently, I thought everyone needed to know that I was miserable and thought maybe if I shared it in my status on facebook it would make me feel better. It didn’t. There was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better and I think maybe I just wanted people to commiserate with me. Eww.

I was envious of my friends that were in a “better” place than me. Everyone seemed so happy while I was dragging myself through a “groundhog day” lifestyle. I looked at the friends that were done with school, that had nice homes and were seeming living their lives how I wanted to be living mine. What I didn’t realize was, I had the power to make my life exactly how I wanted it to be. If I just turned each situation into a positive… that I was in school, I had a home, a job and a husband… and I was just lucky to be able to be where I was… it would have been a whole different situation.

Thankfully, I was able to turn that around. Over the years after I graduated and found a great job and CrossFit, my life began to change. I took control. I did those things. I made my life better. I got out of a bad job situation. I changed my whole lifestyle and joined the gym, made some amazing friends and took control of my health. Hubs and I took a good look at our marriage and were able to learn to communicate better, laugh more and not be so stressed out in our relationship. We are in love and are so blessed to have each other.
There have been days where the “ugly” pops up again. Times when I start to feel that little green envy monster sitting on my shoulder whispering “why cant I have that.” Frankly, it pisses me off. I don’t know why we are programmed in our lives  to want what don’t have. I have to remind myself that I am in control. There is no reason I cant have what that person has (within reason of course).  I just have to make the changes in my life that are necessary to do so. 
However, more importantly, I can not live my life for tomorrow. I have a pretty great life at this moment. Why focus on the negative?
Over the last few months I have experienced quite a bit of loss, from a tragic and sudden loss for a co-worker, to a long battle and loss for another co-worker, to the loss of a strong amazing big hearted Great Uncle of mine… each one while a completely different situation from each other, causes me to take a step back and be thankful for my life. Why does it take death to make that happen. It shouldn’t. I have experienced enough loss that I should be living that way every single day… life is all about perspective. We are owed nothing. Be happy, make changes, hug, kiss, laugh… life can change tomorrow.
Wake up.

No really. Wake up.

Life is short.

Live it.

Friday, March 4, 2016

They Remember What You Are

March 4, 2016

Well, here we are. Opens season 2016.

I am a week behind, as the first Open workout was released last Thursday and the second last night. I have to be honest and say that I actually, somewhere inside me, wasn’t sure if I wanted to compete in the Open this year. I didn’t sign up until the Monday before the first WOD was released. I would be lying if I said my ego had nothing to do with it. It certainly did. I know I am not where I was two years ago, the last time I competed in the Open. I had my best year that year. I felt amazing and had really honed in on most of the skills I needed to actually compete at a higher level at Regionals. Now, a year after having Z, I feel like I am struggling with things that use to come easy to me… in addition to the things that I have struggled with in the past. I was afraid. I didn’t want to put myself out there and look like a fool. I didn’t want to fail and I didn’t want to disappoint those in the gym that are constantly cheering me on. They expect something of me, or at least I feel like I am expected to perform a certain way.

I thought about it a lot. Then I got upset with myself that I had to think about it.  Why on earth did I have to think about it? I love the Open and CrossFit. I love to compete. I love to challenge myself. I want to be the best that I can be and push myself… how could I possibly do that if I bowed out because I was “afraid” that I was going to not do as well as I wanted to do. That is crazy talk. I have, in the 5 years  I have been doing CrossFit, talked to numerous people about not only doing the Open, but just being confident enough to believe in yourself to get through any workout, never mind walking into a CF Gym for a new beginning. You cannot get to B without passing through A. I cannot get to where I want to be without hitting all the same goals the second time that I did the first. In reality, I have already “won” just by signing up. My body has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. My mind has been through a lot in the last year… and its still changing. What can never change is how much I believe in myself. I know I can be and do whatever I put my mind to.

I have a new roll in life. I am a Mama. My “Little Monster” is a year old (can you believe it). Every day his mind is molding into the man he is going to become. Every time Hubs or I make a decision, every time we accomplish something, satisfy a goal, smile or laugh… he is watching and learning. However, those same eyes and ears are observing our hesitations, arguments and tears. It is so important to not only teach him to be a strong and confident man, but to show him that we are both strong and confident people. That even though there are struggles and tough times… and sometimes we have to take a step back and think things through… as long as we put our best foot forward and be the best we can be. We will not fail.  What kind of Mama would I be if I let my ego get in the way of doing something that I love?

We are two weeks in. I am pretty happy with my performance so far. I decided upon signing up that I was going to be “one and done” this year. Complete the workout at 5:30am on Friday morning and that’s that. While I am pushing as hard as I can to get the best score I can, I cannot put myself through the stresses of “do-overs” until I am satisfied, nor do I have the means to repeat even if I wanted to. I feel good about that. I am enjoying the competition this year. The Open feels FUN again. There is challenge, there is competition… but there is less pressure and stress for me. Not that training for Regionals in years past and really pushing and doing double sessions and what not wasn’t fun in years past, but I am at a different point in life right now. I have other commitments and priorities that come before getting back to the gym for a second session at night. My time is 5:30am. I love every minute of it… but I also love every minute of every night with my boy. I can have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful for that.

Three more workouts await for the 2016 Open. I am sure the “best” is yet to come. I am excited to see what the rest of the workouts are. I am excited to see what I can push myself to be capable of. I cant wait to be able to tell Z what I was doing when he was just a year old… and with any luck, I will still be doing it at that point!

I love being a roll model for my boy. I love watching him grow and explore!! Life is pretty awesome!!


Friday, February 19, 2016

She Believed She Could

February 19, 2016

A few years ago my Mom gave me this awesome flip book Its called “She Believed She Could” and its filled with little reminders to dream big, laugh loud and never stop believing in yourself. I have, through the years flipped day after day, through the pages. Sometimes I forget and it gets stuck in one spot for a while… and sometimes I flip the page and smile.

My Mom is amazing. You have no idea. I could not possibly have made it this far in my life without a strong, compassionate, independent, loving, caring woman as a role model. She went from living 45 miles from me… to 842 miles away from me a few months ago, but I’ll tell you, she is no further away from me mentally than ever. The last few weeks have been rough on me. February often is. Its cold, its dark when I go to work and dark I  get home, everyone seems to be sick or sniffling and my hands are dry and cracked from washing 50,000 times a day. Humidifiers are running at the house, the electric bill is high from our insane electric heat, it is impossible to open windows and exchange air… its really quite depressing.

I am one of my own biggest enemies. I know this. Once I start to get into the negative space in my head, things start to spiral out of control and the next thing I know, I am upset because I dropped a Tupperware when I am putting it away from the dishwasher… or I missed the trash when I toss something across the room into it. I then start to analyze everything and suddenly the things that sit in the back of my mind start to come forward. Suddenly, I am upset again that the market still sucks and we cant sell our condo, I am upset that Z is in daycare for a too long every week, I am upset I don’t have a muscle up, I am upset that Hubs works on Saturdays and we don’t have that time together, I am upset that we live month to month with our paychecks and are only slowly chipping away at the balance on our credit. All of these things that I/we are working on changing… they feel like they need to change right now or I am going to lose my mind. I get all worked up… and honestly, if you know me, you know when I get worked up… its bad news.  

Then it happens… I talk to my Mom.  She helps me to turn these mundane temporary things into exactly what they are… temporary. She reminds me that I am doing all I can to be the best Mama to my little man that I can be… regardless of having to send him to daycare 4 days a week for 10 hour days. He is very loved, he is squeezed and kissed and played with and very aware that I will be there for him for the rest of my life.  She reminds me that I have worked really hard for my job and that even on the most frustrating days, I need to remember how I got where I am, what I have been through to get here and be confident in myself. Hold my head high. She reminds me that we are not going to be in our condo forever, in time, we will get out. We will get to where we want to be. Wherever that ends up being. She reminds me that I am ME… that I don’t give up… that I work hard, I am confident, I am strong and as she likes to say “this too shall pass.”

Today I flipped the book, this is what it says:

“Its often the bend in the road that makes life worth the drive.”

Life is not easy. Life is crazy, full of ups, downs, lefts and rights. There will always be happy times, sad times and everything in between. That is what is so exciting. It is all a matter of how you deal with or look at each situation. I talk about being confident. I talk about strength in positive thinking. I talk about mind over matter and changing things that you can change to make your life what you want it to be. Sometimes, I need to be reminded of how to do these things. It could be a story I read on the web, it could be from re-reading my own blog, my very own words, it could be from a little flip book that was given to me years ago… it could be just a simple talk with my Mom.

Sit back and take a look at your life if you are unhappy with something. Really look at it. Then think of all the amazing things you have versus all the things you don’t have or want. I know when I look at my own life, even though there have been lots of “bends” in the road (and sometimes traffic jams, speed traps and fender benders)… it is 150% “worth the drive.”  

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Hello Thursday

February 4, 2016

Wow... to start of this post I typed 2014, backspaced the 4 and put 5 than backspaced the 5 and put 6. Apparently, I think its 2014 again today. Funny that that happened actually. Until I just typed that I didn't realize the irony to what I am about to write.

Today is Thursday. What is Thursday?  Well, Thursday is rest day. At least it was for me, for the last 3 (or so) years. I would be at the 5:30 am class Mon, Tues, Wed, take Thurs off and be back at it Fri and Sat (Sun was also a rest day). Through the Open and during Regional training in both 2013 and 2014. I would go in and do some active recovery or a light workout that was prescribed for the day, but overall I have stuck to a pretty regular schedule.

So, whats changed? I stuck with my 5 day a week training through my whole pregnancy. I knew following Z's birth that it was going to be close to, if not completely impossible, for me to get to the gym on Saturdays. The truth is... I love my Saturday mornings with him. I dont want to go to the gym. I cherish that time, is is moving so fast. Now that he is a little older we can go for walks/runs, take swimming lessons, play all sorts of games and "try" to make sure good nap gets in there somewhere! My Saturday mornings are now filled with the slamming of a sippy cup off the side of the high chair and cleaning syrup from waffles or chocolate from chocolate chip pancakes off his face, rather than the slamming of weights and washing the chalk off of my raw callouses. You know what... thats ok. I wouldnt change it for the world.

I did however feel like I needed to make a change at the gym. I am fortunate enough that Hubs takes care of the AM duties (in more ways than one) and gets Z to daycare. I have able to keep with my 5:30am class. Yes, this requires me to drag myself to class after no or very little sleep sometimes... but that is my choice and it works for me. It gives me that very well needed "ME" time that everyone needs to have a daily dose of.  

My mom use to come to my house and watch Z on Thursdays. They were so sacred to me at the start of his little life. I looked forward to every Thursday, sleeping in a bit and waking up with him in my bed (yes, I co-slept, dont judge) cuddled with me. I would bring him downstairs and nurse him, get some play time in and lots of giggles and smiles until my mom arrived and it was time for me to get ready and leave for work. I took pictures documenting each week... he was born on a Thursday (rest day ironically) and it was fun to have that special milestone each week with him. I also loved that for 10 months of his life he only had to go to daycare for 3 days a week with an added bonus that he had lots and lots of QT with Grammy!

Things have changed a bit. My parents fulfilled their dream of moving to NC. We knew it was coming, albeit it happened very quickly when the process started. Non the less, I do not have any at home care for Z on Thursday anymore. Hubs and I took turns for the month of December staying home with him and as of the first week of January, he is in daycare for 4 days. He loves it there, we are very happy with his development and care, so thats a huge positive. However, it was a change we had to get use to.

What was I ever going to do with my Thursdays now. Thursdays, since the start of the year have become just another day. I decided to pick up the day at the gym and get back to 5 days a week. I get up at 4:25... get my things together, creep into Z's room, (unless he is practicing his "wake up at 4:00" routine and is already awake) give him a kiss, tell him I love him and I will see him that night... and make my way out the door to the gym.

So, whats the big deal? Well... Thursdays, oh Thursdays... its "conditioning day" at the gym. Usually a metcon in the 20-30 minute range with very little weight and lots and lots of cardio. Hmmm.... my "favorite." Any time I had a work/schedule conflict and had to miss a day prior to Z being born, I would attend Thursday, I knew it kicked my ass. Thats exactly what it has been doing since the start of the year... Kicking my ass! Workouts straight out of my "goat" book... and far from my comfort zone with nothing "heavy" to help ease the pain. Yuck.

Today is Thursday. This is the 5th week of my 5 day a week schedule. Yep, Im tired. Yep, Im sore. But honestly, its starting to feel good. I have been working really hard and guess what? Its starting to pay off. The struggle I had every Thursday, trying to keep up in that class is beginning to be less of a struggle and starting to be more fun. The dread that I felt when I saw the long cardio/no weight workout is no longer dread it is now at the "challenge" point where I want to do more and push harder and get better/faster. I dont find myself saying "well, its a conditioning workout, I dont do so well with those" anymore. I am now thinking "I am going to get this one, I can do this!"

It feels good to have that feeling again. It feels good to push out of my comfort zone and get better at something I have struggled with for a long time. Crap... I actually "like" Thursdays.

It takes a lot to get out of your comfort zone. It takes a lot to admit that you even have a comfort zone sometimes. In the last year weights have become competitive with most of the ladies in the gym and my metcons are in the same general area as well. My "thing" use to be heavy weights, but I dont really have a "thing" anymore... I do still love lifting and feel most comfortable with a bar in my hands, but I dont have the opportunity to move heavy weight anymore while working on my form and my numbers have suffered from that. I would say that my comfort zone is still weights, but lately standing on the outside of that bubble and working hard has proven to help make some advancements in areas that have been needing work for a long time.

I have had to make a lot of changes in my life, in the gym and out of the gym, over the last year... I am going back to my old posts and reading my own words. I am embracing the suck, I am challenging myself, I am being confident and motivated and most of all... I am loving my life. There is lots of "magic" happening...

Step out of your comfort zone. Accept challenge and change. Own it. You will be happy you did.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Change...

January 14, 2016

Change….

As if I haven’t written about this one a million times…

The year 2015 was filled with so many changes its hard to keep track of them all. We are 14 days into 2016 and there are many many more changes to come. There has to be. Change is what keeps life moving forward. Change is what helps us evolve. Change is what sparks excitement, challenge, happiness, sadness and unpredictability in life.

There three types of change as I see it. One, something you initiate yourself, a new job, a haircut, starting the gym or a diet, the decision to have a baby and the birth of that child… these things YOU have control of. You made the decision to make the change. Two, something that happens in life someone else has control of, losing your job, your parents/friends moving or changing jobs, a new “standard” way of doing something at your job or gym… these things SOMEONE ELSE has control of. They have decided to make a change and you have to “deal” with it, accept the change and move on.  Finally, three, something that happens that was not a choice of anyone, NO ONE has control, a death, sickness, the weather, an accident, your child suddenly deciding its time to scale the stairs or start teething in the middle of the night. All are change… all happen in everyone’s lives every single day…

All three types of change are an adjustment. Personally, change I initiate myself is always welcome. What makes this so awesome and easy to accept is that I had/have control over it. I made the choice for the change… Even if it is something I choose to challenge myself with… like when I decided to join CrossFit and make it part of my everyday life… or when we decided we wanted to have a baby.  Yes, these are two very different changes and certainly on very different scales, but they both affected my life and forced me to make certain day to day decisions. The change in lifestyle was not easy when I started CrossFit and gave up eating like shit and half assing it at the globo-gym. It was hard, taxing and challenging… but I never let myself quit. It was something I wanted in my life and I faced the change square on. It was a self-induced challenge.  The change in lifestyle as a Mama has been massive guessing game that I hope and pray I make the right choices with every day… It is the most challenging, yet most rewarding change I have ever faced in my life. I love being a Mama! I suppose the biggest difference in these two is that CrossFit dosent have to continue to be in my life unless I choose to keep it. My little man… well… he has me wrapped around his finger for the rest of my life.

Of course, for me,  the other two types of change can be hard to accept at times. Some are certainly more “welcome” than others. You might be “in favor” of a change that is being brought to you so the idea of making that change isn’t so bad… you might be happy that the change is going to take place. Will it improve your life/job/experience? Does it make things easier or more convenient for you? Do you find yourself thinking “I wish I thought of that?” If so, you are probably going to have an easier time accepting the change and moving on. No, you didn’t choose to make it happen, but maybe you wished that it would change or you never thought it could get better. Those are the times you embrace the change like you initiated it yourself. Its easy… right?

Then, there is the “other” change. The one you can’t accept… have a  hard time accepting… or really, just don’t want to accept. This can either be change that was initiated by someone else, or something that no one has any control over. There are so many extremes to this its hard to cover the spectrum. Did they change the coffee in your office from Starbucks to Newmans Own? But you like Starbucks better… why didn’t anyone ask? Did they suddenly change your health insurance and its costing you more money now? Is this just a fact of life and increase all over, or just your company… it already feels like your whole paycheck is “gone” before it hits your bank account. Did your parents move 900 miles away? How will you just pop in to see them? Was there an accident, did someone pass away? So so so many different situations, all sucky on different levels, but all CHANGE. Change that you now have to “deal” with and accept as part of your life.

It is my goal (and has been for a while) to start to “embrace” these types of changes. Try to understand why they are happening if possible, of course some things, like a death or accident are just too hard to understand. If I try to understand why the change is occurring, weather I am in favor of it or not, it will soften the blow. It allows me to look at in a different light and start to accept what is about to happen. I can look at what I need to do to get through it and if I am really feeling ambitious, I might be able to find a positive in it. I might start to see that  the change is going to do good things for me and I don’t know it yet.. or maybe it has a positive effect on someone else and will improve their life and happiness. Maybe, just maybe, the change was initiated as a positive welcome change for someone else, yet it feels like a challenge to me because I don’t think like them or feel whatever it is is necessary. I may not understand why it has to be that way, but guess what? In most cases I just have to accept it. Why not try to do it with a positive outlook, give it a shot. Certainly complaining, crying or protesting, is not going to make it not happen.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. -Maya Angelou



Monday, January 4, 2016

This is the Beginning

January 4, 2016

As most people do, upon entering a new year, I have really been thinking a lot about what makes me happy. What things are in my life that keep me going day to day and what are the things that weigh me down that I could live without? One thing that keeps popping into my head is how much I miss writing. Every week or so I get an email from my FB link telling me that my "fans" miss me... because I havent posted anything on my page. I also keep getting these "memory" posts that link to some of my posts in the past... and when I read them I cant help but jump right back in time to what I was feeling when I was writing them.

Now, I have no idea how many people actually read my blog. I could (and probably am) writing my thoughts out and posting them on the interwebs only so I have an archive of my thoughts... publicly I guess. I know I started it so I could share my thoughts/struggles/dreams within my crossfit "adventure" in the case that someone out there might be inspired by it, but I think it became more than that for me... I dont know...

Anyway, I am here to give it another go. I like the feeling of getting things out of my head and onto the screen and maybe, just maybe, others like to read it too... other than the three people I know that actually read/follow... and one of them is my husband so that doesn't really count.

A lot has happened since my last post. Of course, the biggest being the fact that I am a Mama to the absolute love of my life, my "Little Monster" Z. He is 10 months old and growing, changing and surprising me every single day. I had no idea that I could possibly love someone so much. I am like a great big pile of mush with him... Mrs "Im never having kids" and "I dont know how to be a Mama" is actually doing it. At least, I am doing it to the best of my knowledge and abilities... totally winging it! But hey... hes happy, healthy and he keeps me on my toes!!

My goal with this blog now has sort of changed. My life has changed... so I guess that only makes sense. I of course still want to motivate. I still want to encourage others to push themselves out of the comfort zone, believe in themselves and thrive to be the best they can be... but similar to how this whole thing started, I am in need of a push for myself as well.

Of course when I had a baby my body changed, but so did my mind. I had this idea that I was going to work out until the day I delivered (which I did) then come back at 6 weeks postpartum and hop right back on the crazy train to Regionals 2016. Yeah. I did get myself back to the gym right on schedule, I dont skip when I am tired, I dont "cut myself any slack" but honestly, my goals have shifted. My life is not the gym... my goals in life which at one time had "make it to regionals" right up at the top of the list... now have a little man sitting in its place. My goal is to be the best Mama I can possibly be. My goal is to assure that I provide him with the best life, home, upbringing that I possibly can... My goal is for him to be healthy, happy and know that I will be there for him and stand behind him no matter what life throws at us. My goal is also to get him to sleep through the night!! Haha!!

 Life is very short. In this new year I want to work at getting myself back to where I am comfortable at the gym... I am still nursing and my body is still changing, I understand that. Its been a hard thing for me to accept. I will admit that there were days I let myself just "go through the motions" at the gym. It was/is hard to function at 100% at 5:30am class when I was up at 10:00pm then 3:00am to feed/rock/sooth or do whatever I needed to do. The goal is to work towards feeling like "ME" again. Regaining the confidence, regaining the strength and showing Z that he can do anything he sets his mind to.

I have allotted myself a little time today to get this started. I am looking forward to 2016! Its a new year... a new page and an adventure waiting to happen!!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Holy Sh*t, I'm a Mama

May 10, 2015

Today deserves a post.

I am sitting her in my living room on the floor with my lap top in my lap. I have on eye on the screen and the other on Mr Z as he snoozes away after a long day and very exciting weekend.

See, I promised you guys (I say that like people actually read this... other than you NB "Hiiii") that I would write up my birth story. I did that. I spent a little time the other day and wrote it out. I decided that it was far to personal to put out there on the interwebs. Its something that I want to have between me, Hubs and #2. I will include it in Mr Z's baby scrap book and anyone who sees that can choose to read it or not, but sorry, the whole story isnt going to go up here. I do want to share the highlights... because I am a woman of my word!

We all know I was overdue. At 41 weeks I had my NST and ultrasound. It was assumed that I would want to be induced as soon as possible so at my appointment that week they let me know I was all set to go to the hospital Sunday (the 22nd of Feb) to get started. I asked my Dr if there was any reason that I "had" to be induced. She agreed that if there was no medical reason and I was comfortable with it, we could go to 42 weeks. She orderd another NST and sent me on my way with instructions that if I didnt go into labor on my own by Wednesday the 25th that I had to go and be admitted.

The week came and went and after the gym and work on Wednesday I headed home for Hubs and I to go to the hospital. Kind of weird knowing the next time we would be home, we would have the little monster with us.

So here is where you are going to get the abbreviated version, They admitted me and started what is called Cervidil. This is supposed to start softening the cervix. Its inserted and should be kept in for 12 hours. Apparently, this thing can fall out when you go to the bathroom. If you think a 42 week pregnant woman dosent get up 4 times a night to pee especially when kept up all night totally intrigued by the sound of her babies heart beat on a monitor.. you are out of your mind!

In the morning they came to check if it worked. This is when the found that it was in fact "missing." It also did nothing. I was not dilated at all and the little bugger was still super high. The nurse was instructed to start pitocin and the Dr would be back in "a few hours."

Clearly the little monster was just as anxious about pitocin as I was and decided to make the first move. When the nurse came in to came in to start it, she asked if I was feeling the contractions she could see on the monitor. I was... which were not really painful at the time. She at that time decided she was NOT going to start the pitocin and see what would happen on its own. It was 8:30am.

Just a few hours later at 10am I was not able to speak through a contraction. Hubs called my parents and #2 arrived. The rest is sort of a blur. I remember going thinking "how am I going to do this?" I remember telling the woman that asked me if I wanted drugs to "go away." I remember thinking that it was taking Hubs 100 hours to drink 1 cup of coffee... (found out later it was his second cup).

Next thing I knew I was telling Hubs that I was in so much pain I didnt think I could do it. That I was going to cave. The contractions were hard, fast and really really painful. I labored at the edge of the bed seated with Hubs in front of me and #2 behind me. They both were doing all the "right things" without even my asking. I was however, scared to death.

A mere 3 hours after being told I was 3cm... I was checked and was fully dilated. HOLY SHIT STORM it was time to actually push this kid out. The room got crazy there were too many nurses and too many people talking at me. I didnt like it. My Dr arrived and was shocked to see where I was and how fast I progressed. She understood my anxiety and backed everyone off so I could focus on what I needed to do from one person giving direction. Three contractions and 9 real pushes later... the most amazing thing happened... my son was born.

1:40 on February 26, 2015... I became a Mama.

I wont ever say it was "easy" because it wasnt. But I will say this, I was told "you will forget" and "its totally worth it." Both of these are true. There was nothing and will be nothing that compares in my lifetime to giving birth to my son. The whole thing, the 42 weeks, the labor and the delivery... 100% worth it. Also, by the time he was in my arms, the pain was gone. Even the recovery... it just melts away every time I looked at him.

Now (because about 2 hours has passed since I actually started this post), I just fed the little man and put him to bed after spending my first mothers day as a mother... It was the most amazing day. He is the most amazing little boy and I am so excited to see what his life brings him. I love life through his eyes. Everything is so pure and new. The world is in front of him... Look out!!

I can only hope that I can be the Mama for him that my Mama is for me...

Me and Mr Z - February 26, 2015

Me and Mr Z - Mothers Day, May 10, 2015